Its probably a smart idea to wear dark pants

Okay, so, like Malt Viquor's last post, I don't think this has much to do with the crap in the church, but who knows...maybe it all comes back to it in the end.

With the obsession most Americans have with diet and weight loss, it is surprising there are so many fat people around. Not that I am really all that thin...and I (as most people) have undergone my fair share of diet plans. Some of them are just insane.

A few years back when Olestra came out, I was scared out of even trying those potato chips (I even went without eating at one particular party when I realized the only thing there were those kind of chips) because I might find myself with "greasy, oily discharge." I mean, why wouldn't I be afraid? That seriously put me off to any kind of chips for a long time. If you look up "olestra" in wikipedia it describes my chilling fear as "anal leakage". (Shudder)

Now there is Alli (pronounced "ally" like those we join forces with in a war). I first discovered this product when trying to keep my son occupied while I waited for a prescription. The display is very colorful and kept him entertained for almost a minute (nearly a record). During that minute, I found myself reading some the claim - "The pill works by preventing your body from absorbing some of the fat you eat". Sound familiar? I had awful flashbacks to those WOW chips and hurried away, grateful for the distraction my son caused by pulling half of the kits off the shelf.

I forgot all about it until, while watching my favorite pundit, Stephen Colbert, he mentioned it. Once again, such wonderful side-effects as "gas with oily spotting, loose stools, and more frequent stools that may be hard to control." Now, I ask you is it worth it to be skinny if you smell like ass all the time? I recommend you read the "treatment effects" (because "side effects" is too negative??) section listed on the website. It is too funny to believe. I am reminded of the SNL skit that made fun of Jerry Seinfeld, where Adam Sandler says "Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?!"

Quoting: "The excess fat that passes out of your body is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza." Okay, I am never eating pizza again. Or the thoughtful, insightful, and helpful advice: "You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take Alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens." (As if someone has never farted in their lives before.) But, by far the best advice by these people (who are trying to sell this product) is (and I am directly quoting from the website) "You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work." I always thought dark pants were slimming, but now I know they also hide skid marks and stool pools. You can learn ANYTHING on the internet.

Okay, so why am I going off about all of this? Because I am constantly amazed at what things we will tolerate (anal leakage) and the things we refuse to tolerate (Billy has two mommies). How many times have I found myself behind an family of obese people in the McDonald's drive-thru, looking at their "Vote YES for Marriage" and "Family Values = 1 Man and 1 Woman" and their American flag decal right next to their Jesus fish and yellow ribbon. Okay, so that happened once - me in my little hybrid and them in their fat-ass Hummer-but it was enough. But seriously, we will expect a pill to make us thin, and we will tolerate pooping our pants with the hope that it might work. And yet, many of those same people, unhappy as they are, find the love between two women or two men disgusting. What happened to us? Why do we place our hope on a pill that causes anal leakage rather than trust in the goodness of those around us? Why do we seek a saviour in a bottle rather than the one that is always with us? I don't know. While I have never been the thinnest person in the world, I will still never eat those damn WOW chips or take Alli. I'd rather be fat...

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